YOU HESITATE FOR A MOMENT AND THEN APPROACH THE GIANT OAK TREE
This doesn't happen often... but every once in a while a reviewer can take a band and validate their entire existence with just a few short keyboard strokes.
This is one of those times.
And that reviewer was not Pitchfork's Marc Hogan.
There's not really too much else to say except (a) the show review is from our last trip out west and (b) I added the pictures.
note: THIS IS REAL. I PROMISE. THERE IS EVEN PROOF WAITING FOR YOU AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST.
You enter the dark cave, in the middle of the wild forest, dressed in your best chain mail, bastard sword, and a trusty torch in hand. The air is cool on your cheek. In front of you is a large, rusted iron door, with a sign, written in the common merchant language, which says "9 GOLD DRAGONS TO PASS". Next to it is a scale.
-- if you put 9 gold dragons in the scale, continue with this review --
The scale creeks downwards, almost touching the floor, with a POOF of magic steam, the dragons disappear and the door swings suddenly open. You find yourself magically drawn inwards, deeper into the cave. You think you can see lights up ahead and the drip of water coming from somewhere. You loosen your bastard sword in its sheath behind your back and continue forward. As you round the first corner of the cave, you are surprised by Ghost & Liars (the better members from previous band Some By Sea, plus two random sailors, apparently, both sprouting impressive facial hair 1 + 2 ) who play what can only be described as a Some By Sea-lite set. "All these actors and actresses" + clapping.
-- if you wish to draw your bastard sword and continue on deeper into the cave, keep reading this review --
As you glance behind you, you notice that your footsteps are slowly disappearing into the growing darkness behind you, swallowed up by its many inky fingers. You grip your sword tighter and you shift your chain mail. In front of you, the lights and sounds of water are getting brighter and louder. The tunnel, however, is getting smaller and smaller. You squeeze around a tight corner and suddenly come face to trunk with a giant, stone oak tree, in the front of a huge cavern. Its stone branches seem to quiver as you step into the room and beneath the echoes of your footsteps, you think you can hear your name being called.
-- If you approach the stone tree, continue to read this review --
You hesitate for a moment and then approach the giant oak tree. There seems be an enscription on its great trunk. You move a little closer and can barely make out the word "Anathallo". Suddenly the ground shifts under your feet. You fall to your knees, as large, stone roots break through the stone ground and wrap themselves around your legs and arms. You are unable to move and must stare in horror as, from the top of the stone oak tree, eight brightly colored acorns begin to roll and bounce towards your trapped body. Their every bounce sends a bass note pounding through your guts. and as they gain speed, they seem to emit a high, harmonized pitch (something around a high C). All eight acorns suddenly come to a stop, directly in front of your watering eyes. They regard each other and yourself and bring out their tiny acorn guitars, trumpets, keyboards and percussion equipment. They bounce and squeal, shake and twist, then harmonize. Such sweet harmonizing! You think you can't stand it! Your eyes are watering, your ears feel tight against your brain. You can't feel your legs or your body. The acorns charm you with witty banter about their studio time and how at home you make them feel, playing in front of you in this dark cave. They seem to play forever, but you have no concept of how much time has passed. Suddenly, they bounce a few last bass notes, and magically disappear! All of a sudden you find yourself on your back, outside the cave. Shaking the sleep out of your eyes, you stand and look around. The acorns and the cave are nowhere to be seen.
Now, I don't know anything about photoshop - but if any astute readers can create anything close to that last image... I'm talking guest post on whatever you'd like. I'm talking guest list at the next show. You name it. All I want to see in my lifetime is an acorn with an acorn guitar bouncing and squealing in front of a stone tree. Is that too much to ask? Send all photos to email@example.com. All entries are winners! (within reason)
Please and thanks.
(and no, I HAVEN'T forgotten about the last prize from our last contest - don't worry unannounced friend, your tribute post and date with my sister are still on the way)
Oh, and the proof? Here's the entire review of last May's show from predisposer. Enjoy!
P.S. Show tonight at the Metro, doors are at six. SEE YOU?